


Atlas

by whimsical_girl_357



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Depressed Orihara Izaya, Eventual Heiwajima Shizuo/Orihara Izaya, Hurt Orihara Izaya, M/M, Orihara Izaya Needs a Hug, Protective Heiwajima Shizuo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-21
Updated: 2020-11-20
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:16:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 8,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27650540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whimsical_girl_357/pseuds/whimsical_girl_357
Summary: Izaya is reaching the limit of his endurance, and Celty and Shinra can't take it anymore. They've had enough, so they ask Shizuo to give the poor guy a break. Obviously Shizuo thinks the flea has tricked them...but has he?Warnings: Mild violence, sexual references, attempted suicide, depression.
Relationships: Heiwajima Shizuo/Orihara Izaya, Kishitani Shinra/Celty Sturluson
Comments: 4
Kudos: 118





	1. Intervention

It started out as quite a dull day, by Shizuo's standards. Grey clouds, snivelling debters, Tom.  
Though, if he was honest, days without a flea to chase usually were. Dull.

That bastard.

Izaya'd been coming less frequently recently. It was just like him.   
The moment Shizuo had realised how much those fights helped him release stress, the arsehole stops visiting, and did what he was goddamn told just when Shizuo had started being grateful he didn't.

He lit a cigarette and gazed up at the overcast sky.

———

His reverie was halted by a phone being shoved in his face, the words on it, the last he expected.

_We need to talk about Izaya._

Once he'd read the message a few times he brushed the hand out of his face, and gazed at the black rider.   
Celty seemed tense, nervous he would go on a rage just reading Izaya's name. Then again, he might well do so on a bad day. He was a monster after all.

"Celty, what the hell? Why would you ever waste a minute on that damned flea?"

 _Please_.

Had she ever said that before? Probably, she was nice after all. But there was something in her body language...this was urgent.   
He searched for reasons to avoid it regardless, but finding none, gave in.  
Removing the cigarette and flicking the butt into a nearby trash can, he raised his head to look at the dark visor of the Dullhan's helmet.

"Tch, fine. What is it he's plotting now?"

She seemed to relax a little, restarting the engine of her motorbike, she raised her phone one last time.

_Come to Shinra's._

And with that she drove away. He scowled after her, but work was done for today, and he was going.

She knew that.

He knew that.

So he went.

———

Shinra grinned at him when he opened the door, gesturing broadly with his usual confidence.

"Shizuo! Come in, come in! My dearest Celty is in the living room."

Shizuo scowled again, and strode into the apartment, slouching on a sofa and glaring expectantly at the couple.  
With a glance at his beloved, Shinra sighed and turned to Shizuo.

"I'm breaking a promise here, but he leaves me with no choice."

Shizuo raised his eyebrows.

"We've thought this all over but can't think of a way for you to help, so we'll explain the situation and you can do as your conscience commands!"

Shinra tried for his usual energy on that, but fell short.   
Shizuo shifted in his seat.

" _Help?_ You better not be asking me to aid the damn flea in anyway."

Celty's shoulders slumped in exasperation, she raised her phone.

_Just hear us out, how you act on the information is up to you._

The pair watched as a flood of emotions rippled across the blond's face.

"Any information on the flea is useful. I'll listen." He eventually grumbled.

Celty settled a little more into her seat.  
Surprisingly, Shinra seemed to tense up at his words, thinking over his answer.

"I think...I think Izaya is going to kill himself."

Shizuo had many ideas of what Shinra would say...but this wasn't one of them.  
A thousand words of humour and derision rose to Shizuo's lips...almost out of habit, but he couldn't manage to say any of them.

_Izaya commit suicide?_

The concept was so bizarre and alien to his - so often called protozoan - brain, he simply couldn't process it. That psychopath...suicidal? Mind you, his did pick fights with him on a regular basis.   
Shizuo gazed at the floor, mind scrambling to understand.

Seeing Shizuo wasn't going to speak, Shinra continued.

"He chose this life for many reasons, and he believed that he could survive being hated by everyone... it's been so many years, I started to believe he could too. _But he can't._ "

"He gets thinner every time I see him, and I see him more every month. He is a talented fighter but unlike you, his body is normal, a single attack you land could permanently injure or kill him, and I see it in his eyes...with everyday he is less motivated to dodge...and with lack of food and lack of sleep...he is increasingly likely to fail to do so.   
He keeps putting himself in more dangerous situations - I start to wonder if it is deliberate, plus talking online to suicidal people has its toll too."

At this last statement, Shizuo found his words, spitting them out bitterly.

"The bastard deserves that irony, for the number of teens he's tricked to the edges of buildings."

To his surprise, Shinra seemed to hesitate, and it was Celty who began to type furiously.

_Those girls and boys he spoke to...Shizuo, he was convincing them not to do it. Those he couldn't win over he told me about, and made himself the bad guy to make them keep living out of spite._

Shizuo stared at the phone then turned to examine them. Celty looked almost ashamed, Shinra was gently rubbing her shoulder in support.

"You're serious? What about everything else that psychopath has done?"

Shinra shrugged.

"We only know about this because he had to involve Celty.   
He doesn't talk to me, and his gift for acting is brilliant, I can only tell he is sinking because of the medical results. I've known him the longest...but to tell the truth, I've no idea what Orihara Izaya is really like."

The blond rose to his feet, striding angrily to the door.

"I don't believe that flea can feel, this is just another elaborate way to mess with you."

Shinra seemed disappointed...but he nodded.

"Just...watch him closely in your next fight...   
_...Whenever that'll be."_

Shizuo left, the doctor's last words spinning in his head.


	2. Deflection

Shizuo still hadn't seen Izaya.

It had been five days since his talk with Shinra and Celty, and nine since the flea's smell had last contaminated his territory... and he might miss it a little.

With every day, he got more and more nervous and short tempered.  
Shinra's final words circled around in his head and he needed to throw something... let out the frustration through force like he always had, he was smoking like a damn chimney too. Even Tom was being more careful around him than usual.

———

When he saw the figure, his eyes moved away initially, but were then drawn back.   
It was him.  
That fur coat.  
That confident sway.  
That entitled head tilt.

The flea was fine.   
Shinra had it wrong. Completely wrong.

Shizuo to a deep breath.

"IIIIIIZZZZZAAAAAYYYYYAAAAA!"

———

Shinra was right. Completely right.

At first Shizuo thought he was just being over sensitive.

First Izaya's dodging was slower that usual. _He's just toying with me_.

Second Shizuo noticed the way his coat fluttered more around him. _He really is thinner...no, I'm just actually noticing his naturally slim build for the first time. (Complete lies, like you haven't looked at that ass before)_

Third, those close calls he always made to taunt Shizuo... didn't seem too deliberate anymore, _perhaps he just has something on his mind..._

Fourth, he was quieter. There were less insults. Because Izaya was as out of breath as he was... _maybe he'd had a long day of fighting._

Fifth. They were approaching a dead end, the kind Izaya would never go toward.

Shizuo watched as the broker seemed to stumble slightly.  
"Not feeling so good flea?"

"I'm being chased by a blood thirsty monster," sang the informant easily. "With no hero to rescue me. Of course I'm distressed~"  
Izaya began to tilt his head back to give his usual smirk toward the pursuing blond but, to Shizuo's surprise, seemed to think better of it.  
The bodyguard didn't miss Izaya's slight sway - was he nauseous?

_Okay. There is officially something wrong._

"Oi..." he began, but then realised he had no idea what to say.

They reached the apparent dead end and Izaya turned to face him, those crimson eyes glittering in the half light.

"Shizu-chan," he began, raising a finger to his lips in a teasing way. "Looks like you _finally_ caught me."

Shizu strode forward, but remained silent. Izaya pouted.

"I didn't think you'd de-evolved enough to lose speech, protozoan."

"What is going on with you?"

Shizuos voice came out more aggressive that he'd intended but he didn't miss the flicker of shock... then _fear_? in the informants eyes before he schooled his expression. He also didn't miss the ravenette's slight back step.

"I think you're the one behaving strangely, ne, Shizu-chan~" Sang Izaya lightly, drawing a switch blade as Shizuo continued to approach.

Shizuo reached out but before he could do anything, Izaya had thrown the knife to his left, and had dived to his right, disappearing back up the alley.

Shizuo didn't follow. For the first time he was worried, that if he did, he might actually catch the guy. And if he did catch him... he really had no idea what he'd do.

He bent down and picked up the knife, tilting it in his hands so it caught the light before pocketing it.

———

"What the fuck is going on with the flea?"

Shizuo hated how unsurprised Shinra was to see him again.

"I told you. He isn't coping anymore."

"He has a throne, a monster to tease and humans to play with like marionettes, what the fuck would that psychopath not be _coping_ with? Hasn't he created a paradise for himself to rule?"

"He really did a number on you." Said the doctor...sadly?

"Why?" Shizuo asked impatiently.

Shinra raised his head. "Ask him yourself. He won't talk to me. He doesn't have anyone he talks to. Everyone hates him after all."

\------

Shizuo trudged home slowly

_Everyone hates him after all._

Why hadn't it occured to him. Had he forgetten somewhere down the line, Izaya had always been human?

Shizuo had friends, a brother. No one to understand exactly, but at least people who'd listen. Izaya, for all his faults, really did have no one.

How could anyone live like that. Without a shred of love from anywhere. No. Not even that. Hate from every angle. Disgust. Distain.

Shizuo may be called a monster by the masses, but no one who really knew him thought him as so. That was his consolation. His reassurance.

Izaya had no reassurance.


	3. Visitation

Shizuo waited two weeks.

But the ravenette didn't show himself. Not once.

It was his day off work, so Shizuo mustered his courage.

Izaya had no one.   
So maybe he could try to be someone for him... no that wasn't quite it.

It wasn't like he liked Izaya. Certainly not. No way.  
But all he knew that life without that damn flea would be a great deal more colourless. And no one else was going to step up.

\------

Shizuo was starting to lose his motivation when he discovered Izaya had a penthouse.

_Wealth does not mean Happiness_   
_Wealth does not mean Happiness_   
_Wealth does not mean Happiness_   
_Breathe._

He knocked on the door. His ears could pick up faint shuffling on the other side. But no one moved to open that door.

"Damn it, Izaya. Either you open this door, or I kick it down."

There was a pause. And then the clicking began. _How many locks does he need?_

After a minute that felt like ten, the door slowly swung open, to reveal that grin, Izaya's eyes shone, and his posture oozed confidence.

"Missing me, Shizu-chan? How adorable!"

Shizuo examined him, refusing to get distracted by the obvious.  
He needed to focus on the physical betrayal of Izaya's actual condition, Shinra had mentioned.

Those shining crimson eyes were rimmed with red, and he could see purple shadows blooming beneath them.  
The baggy hoddie was unable to hide the angles in his figure he wasn't supposed to have.  
His nails were bitten to their beds.  
His hair was greasy instead of it's usual silkiness.  
His skin was pale and taut.

For whatever reason. This was not a man who was coping.

"Like what you see~" Asked the man in question, though Shizuo could see that he was confused. According to the script, the blond was supposed to swear to kill him and spend a few hours trashing this apartment and the rest of the area then leave.

"No. No I don't. When did you last eat?"

Now, Izaya looked confused, or was it panicked.

"Ah, you must be Shizu-chan's mother, forgive me for being confused by the close resemblance!"

He gave a mock bow, and Shizu took that opportunity to grab the ravenette by his terrifyingly narrow middle and carry him back into the apartment.   
Normal Izaya would have dodged with ease. But this one wasn't fast enough.

Shizu ignored the flea's protestations and insults and eventually the informant seemed to quieten down.

"Shizu-chan," The change in Izaya's tone drifted through Shizuo's awareness and he stopped his raid on the fridge. "If you don't drop me, I'm either going to throw up, black out, or both."

He hastily released the informant and was surprised when the ravenette stumbled and he needed to move a hand to steady him.

"Sit." He said firmly.

"Get out of my apartment."

"No."

"See? Just because you demand something, doesn't mean it will happen. Ah, such a tragedy."

Shizuo turned a burning glare on the smaller man. _"Sit."_

To his surprise, Izaya sat.

He turned back to the kitchen but clearly struggled. The silence was awkward too. Shizuo stared at the array of boxes and bottles and different sized pans...he barely cooked for himself let alone-

"You need to put oil in the pan first, or the washing up will be a nightmare."

Slender hands removed the pan from him, and turned down the gas, adding oil from a bottle by the grill.   
Izaya seemed to have given up. It was unlike him to give up easily. Unlike him to give up at all.

"If you can cook, why are you starving yourself."

No answer.  
Izaya always had an answer.  
 _Always._

Shizuo to his surprise found Izaya dividing the result of his efforts into two portions. One much larger than the other.  
Shizuo couldn't help but notice how Izaya's muscles tightened under his pale skin with the weight of the plates.  
He looked fragile. But not weak. Kinda beauti- no.

"Dinner a la flea." Izaya said, with a half hearted sarcastic smirk, placing the steaming plate before the hungry blond, who dived in.

"Now, are you going to tell me what Shinra told you?"

Shizuo spat out his mouthful, Izaya tutted and rose to fetch a cloth to clean the mess.

"What makes to think I'd talked to that damned underground doctor?"

"Because otherwise you wouldn't have noticed. You've never noticed before."

That hurt, but Shizuo wasn't sure why, plus Izaya didn't seem to expect a reaction from him at all, so it clearly wasn't intended to hurt.

"He told me you were planning to die."

Izaya seemed bemused, "so this is a celebratory meal?"

"So you are planning to die?"

They were both surprised at the hurt that came into Shizuo's voice.

Izaya, or this strangely calm and non-evil version of him, turned to look at him, examining him. Shizuo gazed into those warm vermillion orbs, he felt like they could see right through him, understood more about him than he did.

"And if I was?"


	4. Conflagration

"And if I was?"

Shizuo was silent. He simply wasn't equipped to handle this Izaya. He wasn't confident. He wasn't taunting. He didn't seem to be capable of a smirk. He was...empty.

Izaya sighed, and Shizuo noticed the second plate was still untouched.

"Eat."

"Shizu-"

" _Eat."_

Izaya sat down, and laughed slightly. It wasn't the mocking cackles Shizuo was accustomed to, but dry, apathetic.

"I'm getting deja vu." Said the ravenette, taking a spoonful, examining it, and eating it.

Satisfied, Shizuo returned to the conversation at hand.

"You were crying."

"You're mistaken." Came the stony reply bringing a swift end to that line of enquiry.

"You haven't slept in ages."

"I've had insomnia long before you knew me, monster."

Shizuo hesitated, ignoring the insult. "Why aren't you eating?"

Izaya glanced at his plate, untouched after the first mouthful. "I forget."

Shizuo was going to call bullshit, but couldn't find any trace of a lie in the others face.

"Why?"

"I eat when I'm hungry Shizuo."

Shizuo recovered from the correct name use quickly.

"And when last was that, a week ago?"

He did not like how the flea's eyes flickered away from him.

They finished the meal in awkward silence, and Izaya rose and gestured to the door with a mock bow.

"Now, if you would be so kind as to leave and forget this ever happened, the _flea_ you are missing, will be invading your territory with his usual smirk from tomorrow."

"That does it. I'm moving in."

"What?" Some of the familiar venom returned to Izaya's voice, mixing with surprise. "Your sense of humour is getting worse, protozoan."

"Nope. I've been in the job you forced me into for too long. I know the look in someone's eyes when they've given up. Not even good acting can hide it."

"So what?" Izaya bit back angrily. "Since when did you give a crap? I've been your stress relief for nearly a decade, the real inhuman monster your strength can be freely released against. The villain out of a comic book terrible enough to make you into a hero. What right have you, to start noticing that I'm not a fucking unfeeling immortal devil?"

Shizuo stammered a little, shocked at the outburst, and the, now he could tell the difference, pure hate in Izaya's voice. But more than that, though Izaya tried to cover it, he could hear pain. Heart wrenching raw pain.

Before he could formulate an answer, Izaya yelled with all the force he had in his slender frail body.

"LEAVE!"

Shizuo fled.

He wasn't proud of it, but he had never seen anyone look to be is as much raw agony as Izaya had just been in.

That suffering, the gaze, like he'd been screaming silently inside for years and no one had noticed.

Well, no one had.

He was scared.

The monster of Ikeburo was terrified.

And he ran.

He pelted as fast as his inhuman strength could make him, back to his apartment, forcing the door open, only stopping at his bed. Panting.

He felt them first.   
The trails of water.  
He touched his cheeks in confusion, then tasted the saltiness in his mouth.  
Tears.  
And they kept coming, and coming, and coming.

He grasped for breath, kneeling on the floor and resting his head against the mattress.  
He kept his eyes open, but even then, the expression on Izaya's face haunted him.

His tear ducts emptied eventually, and he crawled on the bed. But he couldn't sleep. Not one wink.


	5. Perseverance

Shizuo couldn't think what to do.  
How to stop him.  
He was just a protozoan after all.  
But part 1 of any idea he could think of remained the same. He needed to stop Izaya killing himself before he could work out a way to change his mind.  
To do that, he needed to put the flea under 24 hour watch.  
He needed to get inside that apartment.  
He wasn't Orihara Izaya. He knew he couldn't trick his way in with words. But there were less elegant ways.  
But... most of those wouldn't help him earn Izaya's actual attention, and none his trust or forgiveness.  
So the balance between the two it was.  
He packed food for a week, water for a week, a blanket, a few toiletries and the book that had been sat on his bedside table making him feel guilty for the last few months.  
It was time for a good old fashioned stake out.  
\-----  
Izaya discovered his arrival, five hours after he'd settled in outside the apartment.  
He'd opened the door to a client, took one glance at the blond before pulling the terrified man before him inside and closing the door.  
For a few days, Izaya ignored him completely. When Shizuo went to sleep, he lay across the door to prevent Izaya exiting past him, though his hearing was too sharp not to pick up the ravenette even if he didn't go that far.  
When Izaya left during the day, Shizuo would tail him.   
Though Izaya was an expert at losing normal tails, this didn't work on ones that literally followed his scent.  
———  
On the third day, Shizuo met Naomi. She looked him up and down.  
"You should go back to Ikeburo."  
"I've a flea to kill."   
He had to keep up appearances.  
"If anyone's killing him here it's me." She said cheerfully. "I poison all his meals, sadly he barely if ever eats them."  
Shizuo felt sick as he watched her stride past him into the flat, with a wave of dismissal.  
———  
It took two more days for Izaya acknowledge him, Shizuo having scared off another of the informants more flighty clients.  
Izaya stood watching the middle aged man race back down the corridor then turned to his new guard dog.  
"Don't you have a job?"  
"I've taken a holiday."  
Izaya made a growling sound in his frustration and turned, slamming the door.  
The clients stopped coming. Seemed Izaya took a holiday too.  
———  
"You know I can end my life just as easily inside the apartment?"  
"Not your style."  
"You don't know me."  
"I know the alias you intend on dying as."  
"..."  
The door shut once again.  
———  
The week finished and the next continued.   
Shizuo ran out of food.  
Shizuo ran out of water.  
Shizuo had drastically underestimated the stubbornness of fleas.  
He passed out.   
———  
He blinked back into consciousness to find traces of water in his mouth and black shoes in front of his vision.  
"Aren't you a little over dramatic?" Came a cold voice, familiar and yet terribly different.  
Shizuo slowly rolled onto his back, and looked up at the informant, he didn't have the energy to get up.  
"You're the one planning on killing yourself."  
Izaya rolled his eyes, and emptied the last of the water onto Shizuo's face, making him splutter.  
"And here you are starving yourself because you can't bear the responsibility of being part of the reason someone else ends their life."  
That hurt. Though it didn't quite feel true.  
"This isn't about me. I don't want you to die."  
Izaya snorted, "gonna miss your punching bag more like."  
"I.."   
Shizuo knew that wasn't it, but couldn't explain it. Izaya looked faintly disappointed and that hurt too.   
"Come in anyway." Izaya sighed, he sounded tired. "You won't make it home without some food."


	6. Cohabitation

Izaya moved straight to the kitchen, in a hurry to get him out.

Shizuo took his time to explore the apartment a little.

Books. Lots of books. More than a respectable libraries worth.  
Books, but not a photograph in sight.

He found the computer. A month ago he would have broken it for the lives it had ruined and ended. But for now he left it.

"Quit nosing and come eat."

He sighed, eyes flicking over book titles as he made his way to the kitchen.

"Sure it isn't poisoned?"

"Not with anything that'll affect you."

"Why does she do that?"

"None of your business, Shizuo."

"...Shizu-chan."

Izaya froze, and turned to look at him, confused.

_Ah crap._

"What?"

"I- uh, it's weird, you calling me by my actual name."

_As in it makes me feel weird and I'm not ready to analyse that, I'm struggling enough as it is._

"Let me get this straight. You'd... rather I call you _Shizu-chan_?"

"...yeah."

"I'm starting to wonder if I was the only one acting, _Shizu-chan_." Remarked the ravenette.   
His face was turned away from Shizuo so he couldn't tell how the informant had reacted, but that was a relief as the blond wouldn't be too surprised if his face was red.

"Finished?"

"The meal, yes."

"Then go."

"No."

Exasperated, Izaya groaned and leant back on the kitchen counter.

"What do I have to do to get you to fuck off?"

"Look me in the eyes, tell me that you aren't going to end your life, or deliberately put yourself in a situation where your life will be ended. And mean it."

Izaya paused.   
There was a part of Shizuo that wished desperately for Izaya to stride towards him, look him in the eyes and if not mean it, at least attempt the lie.   
Show some kind of fighting spirit.

But that part would be disappointed. Izaya sighed.

"There's no spare room, so you'll have to make do with the couch. I want you out of my sight during client meetings."

He gave up. Again.  
Shizuo had achieved his first goal, but the trials to come seemed even more insurmountable.

"Then, I'll be in your care, flea."

"Unwise, beast."

"Well, I am protozoan. They aren't known for wisdom."

Izaya didn't deign that with a reply. He simply left the kitchen, selected a book with his slender fingers and moved to sit down.

In following Izaya's movements, Shizuo noticed for the first time, a piano nestled among the book cases.

"You play piano flea?"

"Occasionally."

Shizuo moved across the open plan apartment and reached out to touch the-

"Don't."

He'd retracted his hand before he'd even realised it.   
Something in Izaya's tone.  
He didn't ask. Just moved back to where he'd dumped his things by the door.

Collecting his toiletries, and clothes, he approached the stairs, when Izaya didn't speak again, he headed up. Under the pretext of finding the bathroom, he explored a little.

He ironically found the bathroom immediately. It was completely normal. Externally at least. He didn't risk searching. He didn't even know what to look for. Or whether he was prepared for anything he'd find. He somehow knew he'd regret it though.

Leaving his toiletries, he left and carefully opened the next room.   
An office, haphazard and stuffed with papers and documents. He was worried setting foot inside would upset the mountains of probably state secrets, so he gently closed that door too, and moved on.

There was a bedroom.   
He had no idea what he'd imagined, a vampires lair or something else retrospectively childish.  
The walls were a dull cream, the furniture unpainted wood. The whole room almost vacant of personality, excepting the additional bookshelves and a single landscape painting. The only image of any kind displayed that he'd seen.

He couldn't see anything particularly notable about it, other then the heavy loneliness the painting seemed to ooze. Though now he thought of it, most of the house was filled with it. But it wasn't the loneliness of someone who wished for company. But that of someone who didn't think wishing was even worth it. Who expected isolation.

He left the room hastily, before that atmosphere made him rush down stairs and do something stupid.

That was the last room, so he headed with relief back downstairs and, picking up his own book, he settled on the opposing sofa to Izaya, waiting for the jibe.  
 _You can read?_ Or another criticism of the genre he'd chosen. But none came.

Surreptitiously watching his new flatmate, he found Izaya genuinely lost in his book. His brows were lightly furrowed in concentration, his vermillion eyes serious, and he was biting his lip slightly.

"What are you reading?"

"The Structure of Scientific Revolutions by Thomas Kuhn. Yourself?"

"...Murder on the Orient Express, Agatha Christie."

"That's a good one." Was the only reply he got before the ravenette reimmersed himself in his book again, letting the silence sit between them.


	7. Prudence

Soon, it was approaching his usual dinner time, and inspite of his best efforts, Shizuo's stomach betrayed him, growling unnaturally loud into the silence.

To his relief Izaya only chuckled, placing a bookmark into his tome and returning it with a strange care and respect to its shelf.

"As I don't have much in the way of food, would you mind going out for groceries tomorrow, I'll write you a list."

"You'll let me back in?"

"You'd stake out my apartment again if I didn't. And I think, for the moment at least," Izaya made a point to gaze straight in his eyes, the warm now ruby colour earnest, "I can assure you I won't drop off a building."

"Why?"

"I'm curious about what you're planning."

"...fine. And make sure you cook for two."

He could hear the scowl in Izaya's voice. "Hai, hai."

———

As they were eating, Shizuo got a text. He glanced at it and smiled.

"How fairs Kazuka?"

Shizuo hid his surprise. Clever and egotistical...Izaya and Poirot had parallels.

"Much better since you've stopped attempting to get him killed."

Izaya just looked at him.

"...which you never actually did. How much of what you made me think you did, did you actually do?"

"Well, I did lose you that job and frame you a few times."

Izaya's eyes flicked down to the bartenders suit.

"I mean, your boss was crooked as anything, and they were plotting some nasty shit with you involved, but I couldn't find a more elegant way to get you out of there."

"So my brother..."

"Is a handsome and well known actor, who, just like most famous people, has a few mentally ill stalkers and psychopaths on his tail, who when I find, I befriend and learn their plans, passing them onto his big protective older brother as surreptitiously as possible."

"Then claim to have orchestrated everything to make me hate you?"

"Yup."

"Why?"

Izaya took a mouthful of food instead of answering.

"Izaya."

"When was the last time you really unintentionally hurt someone? Properly hurt them?"

Shizuo hesitated, wracking his brain.

"...high school." He said suddenly.

"Before you started relieving your stress by fighting me, a person you could lose all restraint against, and didn't not need to experience any guilt by fighting.  
Seeing things as black and white was quite comforting, wasn't it?"

Shizuo couldn't even begin to deal with that right now, he tore his gaze away from those knowing eyes and he shifted the subject back a few questions to something he thought he could handle. Key word, _thought._

"I've never heard mention of any other Oriharas. Don't you have siblings?"

He knew he'd fucked up when what little light that had returned to the informants eyes faded.

"I... I had twin sisters." He replied simply, but before Shizuo could change the topic, Izaya continued. His voice was soft, wistful even.  
"They were clever and filled with mischief, seemed to find no greater pleasure in their lives than to prank their older brother...That piano was theirs."

"Can I ask what happened?" Shizuo asked, hesitantly.

"They are dead." Izaya replied simply before rising. "I have work to do, don't touch the piano or my books or enter my study _again_."

———

Shizuo read his book for a while then got bored.

Izaya didn't say anything about the kitchen, so he returned and spent a fruitless hour attempting to cook, and another two fruitless hours trying to get rid of the mess he created.

During this time, Izaya did not leave his computer once. Shizuo even fell asleep on the sofa for a couple hours, and in waking found the informant still at his post.  
He was tempted to try and force the ravenette to bed, but instinctively knew he would be pushing past his limit for the day.

He went to the bathroom, returned and changed before collapsing onto the couch and letting sleep take him.


	8. Discomposure

Shizuo woke twice in the night.

The first, he was barely conscious. He sensed someone watching him but instinctively knew it wasn't a threat so let himself drift again.

The second time was in the early morning and he looked up blearily to see the informant still at his computer, before sighing.

He felt Izaya caress his face, but that was a dream. He'd had them before.

He finally rose to the smell of bacon and eggs, tumbling off the sofa and trudging forth, zombie-like, after the nostalgic smell.  
He could see Izaya's bemused smirk but was too hungry and sleepy to care.

He did take pleasure in the surprise Izaya showed when he rose, retrieved a second plate and dumped half his food onto it, shoving it to the ravenette who'd mysteriously forgotten to set two places.

"You are eating, flea." He grunted before letting the golden eggs and perfectly fried bacon occupy his full attention.

———

When he'd finished and carefully ensured Izaya did too, the ravenette handed him a list and shoved him out the door.

"Here's the shopping list. Don't come back before twelve as I have an important client."

Shizuo pretended to walk away and snuck back to listen. He heard the other man slump against the door and sigh deeply.

_What stress could be I causing him?_

Shizuo moved to walk away...then stopped when he heard the audible sob.  
He hesitantly knocked on the door.

"You teleported to and from the store?" Came a voice from the other side.

It was intended to sound sardonic...but there was a strain Shizuo didn't like.

"If I walk away now, it would be the third time I would have done that knowing I'm leaving you in pain."

There was another choked back sob from the other side of the door, hastily stifled. Shizuo felt something vital, breaking a little inside him.

"Open the damn door." The blond growled.

The ravenette obeyed but kept his head low, his hair covering his eyes.

Shizuo's anger vacated him and his voice was so soft when he spoke, it surprised him. "What do I do?"

Izaya remained silent beneath him. From the way his body shook, Shizuo could guess he was struggling to get his voice under control before he spoke.

Despite his efforts, it seemed the ravenette wasn't confident enough to say anything, instead he moved forward and pressed his forehead to Shizuo's chest, one slender hand clutching at the blonds shirt.

"Just stay here for a bit." He whispered quietly after a few shaky breaths, and Shizuo could still feel him trembling slightly.

Hesitantly, the bodyguard raised his arms, putting one hand protectively around that slim frame, and raising his free hand to stroke it gently though the others hair.

Initially Izaya seemed to lean in, welcoming his touch, but as if realising what he was doing, the ravenette pushed him away.

"That never happened okay? Get groceries."

"But-"

Izaya kept his face out of view. "Please?"

Shizuo hesitated, but was satisfied by the returning steadiness to Izaya's voice.

"Alright."


	9. Destruction

Shizuo took his time on his shopping trip.  
When Izaya had clung to him, he'd finally accepted it.

He was in love with the flea.

How, he had no idea. After all he wasn't sure what Izaya truly was like.   
He worried it was chemical, biological, animal. And not real.

But either way, he spent three or so hours wandering the streets getting over, firstly how much Izaya's state was breaking him, and secondly, just how much he wanted to kiss the guy.

He then spent an hour at his house collecting supplies for living with the flea for a prolonged period.

He spent a further three hours mentally repeating all the reasons pursuing this fragile man was a terrible, terrible idea right now and that he had to stay in control. Complete control.

Then another hour finding stores open late to actually buy the groceries.

———

When he finally returned it was dark. Outside and in.  
He froze in the doorway, his mind racing.  
 _Had Izaya left?_  
 _Had some bastards come to kill him?_  
 _Was he-_

Shizuo turned on the lights, searching the rooms one at a time. Heart racing.  
"Izaya! IZAYA!"

He found the ravenette in the bathroom, curled on the floor.  
The light from the doorway reflected off the pooling blood and glinting razor.  
 _Shit. SHIT. SHIT SHIT SHIT._

Shizuo raced over and desperately bundled the informant in his arms, leaping back down the stairs and heading at full speed to Shinra's.

"Shi-Shizuo?" Izaya's voice was so soft it was nearly lost in the wind.

"Damn flea! What did you do that for!"

"But...but you weren't... coming back..."

Shizuo improvised.  
"You idiot, of course I was, I can just come and watch you 24 7 without notifying a few people!"

When there was no reply, Shizuo glanced down to see Izaya had lost consciousness.

"CRAP! IZAYA, YOU FUCKER STAY CONSCIOUS!"

———

He kicked the underground doctors door off its hinges.

"SHINRA!!!"

Let's just say, Celty and Shinra weren't happy to be interrupted.  
But the state of Izaya drove all those thoughts from their minds.

Shinra barely had a moment to stop, Celty assisting him as best as she could.  
Finally, the flurry of movement slowed and with the informant stable, they turned to the bodyguard.

"What in the nine levels of hell did you do?"

"Something stupid."

Shinra rolled his eyes in exasperation, "now we've established the obvious, care to explain exactly what you did?"

Shizuo nodded dumbly.

———

"So, for the first time since I've known him, Izaya shows weakness to someone, lets his mask fall, and you not only leave him like that, but then take several hours longer than you were supposed to be gone, leading this incredibly fragile and vulnerable man to assume the very worst...that the only person he had even risked trusting had abandoned him?"

Shizuo flinched.

"I...I realised how I felt about him...and I needed to process that before I said too much..."

"You prat! He's loved you since the day you met! You should have seen how his eyes shone when he first laid eyes on you! Or how they dulled after you refused to shake his hand!   
Say too much... he couldn't be told enough!"

Shinra panted, overwhelmed by anger.

"Why the fuck to you think we told _you_ about this? No one... no one else could get away with what you have over the last few days. It probably wouldn't have mattered what you did...just having you around would have stopped him... him..."

He wilted and Celty gave him a gentle hug from behind.

Shizuo stood, taking each word like the punches they were, fighting tears, throat dry. He could see it now.   
The glint in Izaya's eyes when they'd first met. Not malice...hope. He thought he'd found another monster...someone would understand, someone he could be alone with.

His fists clenched with the urge to break something but one glance at the pale figure of Izaya made it drain out of him.

"I'm sorry...so so sorry."

He wasn't sure who he said it too.


	10. Resolution

Shizuo awoke to slender fingers running softly through his hair.  
Raising his head, sleepy crimson eyes looked back.

"Izaya! Thank god... I'm so sorry..."

Izaya looked at him in uncertainty. "Why were you gone so long...if you weren't leaving?"

Shizuo froze. _Was now really the moment?_  
Probably not...but he'd been far too cautious already.

"I...I was wondering round town...thinking."

"You....thinking."

Izaya raised an eyebrow, and Shizuo scowled. Inside though, he was relieved that Izaya was okay enough to joke like that.

"I've felt something was different about you since the day we met.... and I couldn't understand why seeing you in pain made me hurt so very much... after yesterday... I needed to get my head around the fact I'm in love with you."

...

Strangely, Izaya barely reacted. He sighed in annoyance.

"So...this is another dream. Hey, dream Shizuo, kiss me, so when I wake up to real Shizuo I don't feel so miserable?"

Shizuo took a moment to process the implications of all of that...then grinned.

"Flea, that's a difficult choice you've given me. I want to prove I'm real...but those lips of yours are really tempting."

Now Izaya paused. Faster than Shizuo could stop, he pulled a knife from god knows where and sliced his palm. He stared at his palm, and then at Shizuo.

"This is...real?" He asked doubtfully.

Shizuo rose to grab some bandages and take care of the informants palm. Inspite of himself he had to ask. "What gave it away?"

He was very surprised when the informant flushed in embarrassment.

"If it was a nightmare, that would be when, either you'd laugh and leave, or kill me. If it was a dream...that would be where you'd leap onto the bed and fuck me senseless."

Shizuo froze. Then Izaya noticed and started to panic so Shizuo hastily explained, "Our dreams and nightmares are very similar. Though in mine you're always dancing away out of reach...then I finally catch you. In the nightmares it is like I lose control of myself and kill you, or confess and you laugh and escape....in the dreams I kiss you and you kiss back."

Izaya was still.

"So you're a quite romantic, then."

On paper, his words were calm, mature and showed control...but that face. Shizuo wanted to see it again and again and again.   
Izaya's eyes shone with tears, his cheeks flushed pink and he had the most beautiful smile the blond had ever seen.

Shizuo leaned in, and kissed the informant softly.

Izaya let his tears fall freely.

Shinra froze, then quietly closed the door, with a smile.

Celty did a silent victory dance and texted Erika.

———

"You didn't have to carry me back!" hissed Izaya quietly.

Shizuo eyed him, knowing they were both still smiling.

"You're still fragile and I wanted to." He replied, leaning down to steal another kiss, just because he could, and ignoring the mixed shocked and terrified gazes.

They were walking down the main streets of Ikebukuro to get to the station and return to Izaya's flat.  
And so, the monster of Ikebukuro was carrying his flea past hundreds of bystanders, unveiling the newly formed power couple to the world.

Izaya was fighting to maintain his usual mask. He posed sexily and flirted loudly in Shizuo's arms, but they both knew he was fighting a losing battle.

They arrived back in Izaya's flat, and with a gentleness Shizuo barely knew he had, he set the ravenette down. Izaya leant into him a little before pulling away and heading to the kitchen.

"Let's get takeaway." Said Shizuo, bringing out his phone to call Simon.

Izaya seemed surprised, "sure?"

"Yes. I...I was wondering if I could hear you play?" He asked hesitantly, glancing at the piano.

Izaya raised an eyebrow, "you want to hear me play?"

"I have a feeling you're really good."

Izaya flushed slightly. "It's the first time I've played to anyone since middle school..." he murmured cautiously, but moved over regardless.

Shizuo leaned back with a gentle sigh, as Izaya's fingers skated across the keys just as beautifully as he'd expected.

He hadn't slept in nearly 60 hours and the song was so gentle and warm...  
He closed his eyes.


	11. Agreement

Shizuo woke up feeling warm.  
He soon realised that Izaya was curled on his chest.

He was confused.

Then he remembered, and was very happy.

Then, he was confused again, as Izaya rose and left his arms. He didn't want him to leave. Ever.

He reached out in sleepiness, murmuring a vague "come 'ere", but the ravenette only chuckled and headed toward the door of the flat.

Shizuo understood, when Izaya returned with their take away sushi. The moment Izaya set the boxes on the table, the blond reached out and pulled him back onto his lap.  
They ate in pretty comfortable silence, which naturally Izaya had to break.

"You're clingy when you're sleepy."

"Yeah." Sighed Shizuo. "I won't be the easiest of boyfriends."

"Boyfriends?" Izaya said cautiously.

Shizuo chuckled. "Yeah. You're mine now, flea. I've no intentions of letting you go."

Izaya flushed under his gaze. "How do you say things...like that so easily!"

"Because your reaction is cute, Izaya." Shizuo grinned.

The ravenette pouted, and rose to escape, so Shizuo calmly followed, trapping him between his arms easily before he reached the stairs.

"You're still too weak to dodge me huh?"

Izaya began insulting him, but was silenced when Shizuo leaned down and kissed and bit softly at his neck.  
The bodyguard liked how Izaya shivered at his touch. Though he reluctantly let go when the informant pulled away.

Crimson eyes met hazel.

"Though," began Izaya with a shy smile, "I'd love to see where you were taking that...I don't think my body is recovered yet."

Izaya strode in an exaggerated imitation of his evil persona, smirking back at the blond, " _I'm a god in mind not body, Protozoan_."

Sighing in disappointment, Shizuo followed him back over toward the sofa.

"In...in that case Izaya, can you explain how...how we got to this point? Do you feel you can do that?"

Izaya was about to sit on the opposite sofa, but at these words he rose and moved forward, depositing himself on Shizuo's lap.

"I think if I'm here...it'll be okay." He said hesitantly, and Shizuo swallowed as his heart nearly flat lined at the words, pulling the informant close.

"It's hard to explain."

Izaya took a deep breath.

"When I was ten years old, I was walking home with my sisters. He...he came at us with a knife. I got in front and,"

Izaya gently raised his shirt, and guided Shizuo's finger across a jagged white scar.

"I fell, and could only watch...as...as..." the ravenette took another steadying breath and Shizuo pulled him closer. "He killed them."

Shizuo didn't speak for a time, images of his brother bleeding out flooded his mind.

"In that moment...I resolved to make sure no one would ever face that again. You may have gathered that I'm quite smart."

Shizuo snorted, smart hardly covered it.

"I'm a double agent working for the police force."

"WHAT!"

Izaya yelped, and Shizuo realising he'd gripped the guy too tightly, let go.

"Y-yeah...uprooting organised crime isn't simple, but if the police know what's going on, they can control what happens and what doesn't, minimising damage. I control what information goes to almost all criminal organisations in Tokyo and to some extent the rest of Japan. I'm as undercover as it gets. I spent my spare time befriending the suicidal and mentally ill and either manipulating them to help or hearing their plans and giving the police heads up."

"You've been completely isolated...living a lie for how long?"

"I got in contact with the police and set up my persona at the start of high school."  
"And you had no one..."

"I couldn't handle it alone anymore. I was going to give the police everything I had and then let the evil and normal Orihara Izayas die."

Izaya's voice was soft and sad. Shizuo rested his chin on the smooth raven hair.

"Who knows about this?"

"Only the top of the top in the police force, and government. And you."

"So you've been carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders...surely Shinra knows?"

"Has no idea. I've had to keep everyone I care about as distant as I can. Throughout all these years there has only been one person capable enough to survive near me."

"Me." Said Shizuo.

"Yeah... pretty fucking lucky this happened, huh?" Chuckled Izaya, lightly kissing away Shizuo's remaining guilt.  
"You know...I could do with a bodyguard around."

"Oh? Any requirements?"

"Tall, strong, intimidating...blond."

"Smoking allowed?"

"Nope."

"Damn. Seems you'll have to find someone else."

"Shizuo!"

"Pay better be good."

Izaya raised his eyebrows.

"I'm sure that can be arranged" he said softly, letting the words roll of his tongue in an almost a purr. Then he leaned back, baring his neck slightly, and spreading his legs suggestively, the overall effect making the blond groan.

"Consider me hired." Said Shizuo, pulling the knife Izaya had dropped all that time ago, and placed it flat onto Izaya's open palm, before pulling him in for a slow kiss.  
The first of many.

\---

**Hi guys! Whimsical-san here. I hope you enjoyed my book...if you did, my more active account is on Wattpad under the same username, though I confess I'm yet to write more Durarara...mostly BNHA shenanigans. But the books there are illustrated, including this one. Can't work out how to put images on this site for the life of me!**


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